The Word Lucky.

Having or bringing good fortune; Occuring by chance. 

I'm not saying that the things that I have achieved, the things I am now living with they are all merely springing from the struggles that I have passed through. Somehow I feel like sometimes the existence of another 'thing' is way too evident, that I almost see it with my both eyes.
Lucky, its just a word. And it admittedly is the word I never forget to put into my prayer since this odd world slaps me with a proof that sometimes struggling is just not enough. 
And, through the depressed nights that we quietly burst out in tears knowing that our shoulders probably could no longer sustain, in which the word lucky I buried it deep and deeper just because everything turned into the word we were all scared in the very beginning; bullshit. 

To your huge astonishment, I still felt lucky in that very time I looked like a walking dead trying to climb over the skyscraper. Like things such as sadness, bitterness, depressed feelings, they are simply another queer ways to remind us that we are all lucky enough not to feel unlucky. That the word unlucky is just a word that has been abandoned by the meaning itself, because I figure out that whenever I feel unlucky its just a sheer road that will eventually lead me to some places where I might taste a bliss. Or, at least, I tell myself that way.

For me, the definition of lucky is that simple; the fact that I am having him around now. And, I do not care who's having him back then. I do not care how people look at me as if I am that less fortunate who's attempting to repair a broken toy. All that I saw from the moment I decided to let him come into my little wrecked life was that he's not that broken, and I would not be wasting my time repairing anything, because he's the one who did. He occured to me just like that; like I breathed the luckiness in every particle of the oxygen. 
Though lately its been a hard time finding out any other way to fix things, (to those who ever put bunch of hesitations, go look) we stay still. 

We stay still, and nothing else matters.


A Past Reminder.

Isn't it weird that some places are meant to be a past reminder, that whenever you step onto the mossy pavements, you'd see the moments as if they emerge vaguely out of nowhere, and the worst is that they're getting sharper in every another steps?

This afternoon, while I was driving around with a friend, we passed an old building which used to be the place we went to everyday for 3 years long. And, we casually decided to come over. 

a n d  i t  h u r t .

I had no idea which pieces of my part that seemed to feel something that was just like a sting; it knocked me out. More like slapping. It was so much pain yet it felt as good as when the moments lived. 
And, yes, it felt good. Just because they ever lived. Just because the laughter in the hallway that I passed through was real. Just because the wounds that ever cracked so many people there were true. 

I looked around; my soul probably had starved over such atmosphere. Then I began to realize that there were to much things in just one place. They came altogether in that very moment; consuming my thoughts.

Consuming me.



I hate temporary feelings.

Its like I swear I would have hated one in my entire life just few seconds ago and now I awkwardly am crying like a baby elephant knowing the idea that things are not supposed to be this way, that way. I loathe me for being such a fainthearted living thing for the allowance of anxiety to suffocate me. Most of the goddamned time.

I curse me, for being the weak, in a never-ending game that we both started.


And, I taste the ink.

"I can turn to that day as though it were a page in a book. Its written so deeply upon my mind I can almost taste the ink."
I think I remember.
Somewhere on earth, in the midst of weeds and wild yellow colored flowers, I swallowed the evidences that I could no longer manage my both hands. The fingers ran through the sweat of the sun, the olfactory nosed it out good, the east monsoon breezed through bestowing a temporary chillness, yet still the heart couldn't seem to be cooperative with the mind.
I could hear my mind screamed out loud cursing my irrational heart. But, somehow, that wrecked little heart was meant to win.
I think I remember.
When the sun went down, while the lights went on, and the music got louder it hurt my ears; those sort of things moved in a slow motion, everyone turned obscure, and the world muted. For both of us, for the time that was never enough. Maybe, just maybe, right that time we had opted to secretly adore each other in a way people would never notice. In a way we thought the best, to let things come and go, for us to never touch each others track.  
I think I remember. 
Once upon a cold morning, we saw impossibility in the most irritating way it ever came in a quietness. 


A little hi?

SO my blogs life has been a whole lot of abandonment. You know, I feel like the more I'm getting older its getting difficult not to waste time. Frankly, I feel this bit disappointment to myself since I realized that my ability to write doesnt improve at all. It even goes the other way. 

But, still, I can't believe I am now a college student. 

Approximately 3 years ago, I probably was sitting in a total different room as now I am. I was still that soc-med kid who passionately wrote everything I thought was cool, and some people considered it cool which is something that I still can't comprehend. I might be that geek who was too young and stupid yet not-so-cool for a high school's life. I daydreamed often but I knew I created words. And, to me, words could bring back so much things I almost forgot to remember. And, tbh, I miss the old not-so-cool kid. When her brain could still produce words, when her brain could wander far, though her mouth kept it quiet.  

Back at my early life in this twisty town, I knew I would have hated this town so much since everything came too fast and it went faster. For a 15 yo chick, nobody could seem to understand how I astonishingly survived. I felt it emotional to notice that I might have opted the worst decision ever for ever being so excited to escape. The fact was I wasn't even rescued. 

I mocked, I loathed this town for being a bitch to me due to how the people in my high school worked things. Everything was new and I needed more oxygen since I felt like suffocated.  

And at one midnight I sort of was knocked out, like I just realized I missed something. I knew I escaped. I escaped from those shits breezing through my ears every single day, I thought things would have been better with a new ambiance and new folks. I thought it was a brilliant idea to be all alone in a town where nobody would ever know me. But no shits want to be left abandoned, shits should be solved. And, escaping was never a solution. 

Despite all the nights filled with self-disappointments, day by day I learned things slowly. And, I thought I survived.
My high schools life might feel so much like a pain in the ass but as now I enter college's life, I wish I could pay for getting a short time-trip to the past, cherishing every good times where the laughter filled every corners of the old shady building I used to go to everyday.  

I wish I could travel back to those cold mornings where the hopes of a better day spelled out of my mouth, where a bizarre smile curved.

She's known sadness, and it has made her kind. - Nathan Filer


A Nightmare.

I felt betrayed. But as I ran down the stairs and found out that you were there, running - curving a smile? Somehow, I felt contented. Like you were my savior, like you were the one I had been secretly waiting for decades and that then you were right there. 

Your hands lingered around my tummy, they probably missed the place they used to be, since it had been decades. But as I was about to embrace the serenity I had been suffering from a loss, for decades, I could feel your soul pushing me aside. A rejected hug, what could be worse, sweetheart?  
You took me into a place that seemed so much unfamiliar to me, you said it was our favorite one. But as I looked around, I felt strange. Like the one I had been waiting for decades, was the whole different person as the one who passionately pushed me into his quite peculiar embrace. 
Now, what? 
Still, I seemed to feel contented.  
Even when he vaguely left with a goodbye kiss on my forehead.

And in a riot of vagueness, he said it was only a see-you-later kiss.  
Since he could only catch me up when I closed my eyes, when I fell asleep into longing for his apparition.  
Since we both moved on.


A Night Sky.

I gazed the night sky. I flied this soullessly body up to the stars, fell hard into constellations. I discovered a world of serenity, though it was too cold. I felt strange, I constantly sobbed for myself. I yelled to the livings, yet to the deads. But I started loving it. I started loving the only close-to-good circusmtance. I knew I was all alone but I started to feel right. 
But now I decide to close my eyes instead of count every seconds that always lead to tomorrow; the day I'm most frightened of, yet the day I put my hope into even a bit. 
The sun rises. I never do. 
I walk against the wind wiping the leaves off. Some of them hit me hard, while I actually step over them, cause them to engulf a suffer. I hear them laugh by the time I make my steps a bit faster. I see them get watery.  
And,  a heart breaks into smithereens. 
A peculiar thing posesses me. Those gloomy clouds in this early morning sky, move toward me. As I finally make - I swear - unconsciously decision I'm sure I will regret it even the seconds after. I pick some of them up. I pick the watery ones.  
But I have never been so wrong, until the day they unbelievably bloom, and the day is today. Today, I feel like I don't require them much. I mean, those starry nights.  
They introduce me with a thing that's quite similar with the thing I once had  every night; a city light. I can't feel the ground. Like I've just consumed heroines, I am overjoyed. 
But do you know? 
It doesn't last not even for a day. I am now falling back against the ground. I am crashing down, and too devastated even just to stand up. I dont walk straight. I'm being pushed down to a maze that I'm pretty sure I can spend my whole life here just to break these flustering walls.  
But, guess what. Up there, is the night sky. Up there, is my favorite constellation.  
I might be so lost. But, at last, I will get back there. To the same point, to the same coldness, to the same - only a night, starry sky.