30 Sketches in 30 Days: The 3-Second Play Festival

(An obese, bearded man in a turtleneck sweater and scarf sits on a stool at the far end of a stage. The curtain is closed.)

KENT BARBER: Good evening. My name is Kent Barber. By nature, I am a man. By profession, I am a dramatic artist. For eleven years, I’ve been the artistic director, creative consultant, and unpaid intern for the Tantamount Theatre of Western Tacoma. Let me tell you about our latest show. This is something different. Something for people who really want to like theatre, but find it overwrought, pretentious, and performed by people who are only intelligent enough to read scripts. These people are mostly correct. Unfortunately, we rely on these people to buy tickets for our shows. Scarves don’t come cheap, you know. Our latest is new, but builds on previous successes. We did the wacky, 2-hour comic run through of all of Shakespeare’s plays, “The Complete Works of Shakespeare, Abridged.” Perhaps your son was in it in high school. You didn’t get the jokes, but you laughed anyway. Perhaps you even sat through an endless string of first date comedies at this very theatre’s Ten Minute Play Festival. Maybe you even took a flyer for our One Page Play Contest, but didn’t bother to see it, because let’s face it, that’s really a stupid idea. I didn’t even go see it. But, if like me, you hate theatre, but want to like theatre so people think you’re smart, we have the event for you. The Tantamount Theatre of Western Tacoma proudly presents…the Tantamount Theatre of Western Tacoma’s 3 Second Play Series. We’ve packed literally six centuries of American theatre into one night of non-stop entertainment and high culture. We guarantee you won’t get bored, and you’ll never miss the meaning of the play. Places! (rustling backstage) There’s Lorraine Hansberry’s classic drama of urban plight, Raisin in the Sun.

(Curtain up.)

WALTER LEE YOUNGER: (on his knees) I may be poor, but dammit, I have dignity!

(Mama sobs.)

(Curtain down.)

KENT: Classic American play Death of a Salesman.

(An old white man hangs from a noose, near death.)

WILLY LOMAN: The American Dream is dead!

BIFF: And so it seems is Willy Loman.

(Curtain down.)

KENT: The most important theatrical work of the 20th century, Waiting for Godot.

(Curtain up.)

VLADIMIR: Blather blather blather!

ESTRAGON: Nothing to be done.

(Curtain down.)

KENT: A selection by Eugene O’Neill.

(Curtain up.)

YOUNG MAN: (sits in a chair) I’m drunk.

(Curtain down.)

KENT: A little something for the ladies with Night, Mother.

(Curtain up.)

WOMAN: I'm a woman! And I'm coming to terms with things! (She shoots herself and flops.)

(curtain down)

KENT: Another selection by Eugene O’Neill.

(Curtain up.)

OLD MAN: (sits in a chair) I’m drunk.

(Curtain down.)

KENT: The complete works of Henrik Ibsen.

(Curtain up.)

WOMAN: I’m a woman. I ought to have rights of some sort.

DOCTOR: I’m boring, yet astonishingly realistic!

(Curtain down.)

KENT: Powerful modern epic Angels in America.

(Curtain up.)

PRIOR: I'm gay!

LOUIS: I'm didactic!

TOGETHER: Reagan sucks!

ROY COHN: (as Al Pacino) Hoo-ah!

(Curtain down.)

KENT: And coming in March…...musicals! Including the all-time #1 musical about cats, Cats!

(Curtain up.)

CAT: (doing jazz hands) Me-YOW!

(Curtain down.)

KENT: The hip. The vital. Rent.

(Curtain up.)

ROCKER: (holding a guitar that doesn’t sync up with the notes being played by an off-stage guitarist) (sings) AIDS totally doesn't rock!

(Curtain down.)

KENT: And, for one night only, Miss Saigon.

(Curtain up.)

SOLDIER #1: Hey look, a helicopter! On stage!

SOLDIER #2: What a watershed moment!

(Curtain down.)

KENT: And literally hundreds more. Tickets on sale now. (He bows and falls off his stool. He remains out of frame.) Oh, my. My tremendous girth seems to prevent me from being able to stand upright. Good lord, but I am fat. I see someone has left some licorice whips under a seat. If I can just… (tremendous crash. Still out of frame.) It is highly likely I have shattered my poor tailbone. But, oh the things I would do for a licorice whip.

(End.)